Our Last Conversation

[12:45] dalbizo: Can you chat, Ms. Squirrel?
[12:45] Sarah Barbuscia: For a minute
[12:46] dalbizo: Are you free tonight?
[12:47] Sarah Barbuscia: I’m not sure – i’m trying to pull some stuff together for a meeting tomorrow
[12:47] Sarah Barbuscia: depends on how much I can get out this afternoon
[12:48] Sarah Barbuscia: otherwise I need to work on this tonight
[12:49] dalbizo: So, that sounds like a no.
[12:49] Sarah Barbuscia: Its a i’m not sure
[12:49] Sarah Barbuscia: this just came up
[12:50] Sarah Barbuscia: and it requires some time to get this all together
[12:51] dalbizo: I understand. I sent you an e-mail. I will not have access for the rest of the afternoon. I’ll be at the park at Metreon around six or so. If you are there, you are there.
[12:51] Sarah Barbuscia: Well – chances are 6 won’t happen regardless
[12:52] Sarah Barbuscia: but I understand and perhaps tomorrow?
[12:52] dalbizo: What ever works for Ms. Squirrel
[12:56] Sarah Barbuscia: where are you off to?
[12:57] dalbizo: I am heading over to Bernal Heights area with Free Meals Program Manager as there is a Seniors conference next week that Glide is a part of. This is a planning meeting that he wants me to attend with him.
[12:58] dalbizo: We are in the process of bringing back a Senior Social Hour so they have some place to go after they eat.
[12:58] Sarah Barbuscia: so what are you doing with Glide in addition?
[12:59] dalbizo: All kinds of fun stuff: Trying to convince the higher ups to get the Glide Ensemble on iTunes, painting rooms, expediting food, washing dishes, helping with security, doing VHS to DVD conversions, and anything else I know how to do.
[13:00] Sarah Barbuscia: Where are you living these days?
[13:02] dalbizo: A shelter, but probably going to be kicked out for not attending classes for GA.
[13:02] Sarah Barbuscia: what is GA?
[13:03] dalbizo: General Assistance, being on the dole. Unemployment rejected me as I have not made enough money.
[13:04] Sarah Barbuscia: which is why your not attending class?
[13:05] dalbizo: I am just tired of everything, Sarah Ann. I am just get tired.
[13:06] Sarah Barbuscia: what do you want? if you could say what the next month, 6 months, year looked like if you could make it whatever you wanted
[13:08] dalbizo: A job, a place to live, and a life once again. I am just tired of this whole situation. The work is just not there right now and I really do not think I am cut out to go back into the office. I enjoy it here but they are under budget constraints here, which is really a shame as there has been a noticeable increase of people streaming through the doors.
[13:10] Sarah Barbuscia: what sort of job if you’re not going to the office – what do you want to do?
[13:13] dalbizo: I want to work with people, people on the edge and would also love to host some audio and video podcasts here as there a lot of good stories to cover.
[13:16] Sarah Barbuscia: do you like living in the city?
[13:16] dalbizo: Not without you.
[13:17] Sarah Barbuscia: you’ve lived without me longer then you lived with me
[13:19] dalbizo: That was before I met you, Sarah Ann. It is not the same any more. I remember a conversation we had where you asked if I would move to the city without you. I told you I wouldn’t do it. I still feel that way.
[13:19] Sarah Barbuscia: I meant that you have lived in the city longer then you lived with me
[13:20] dalbizo: Not by choice.
[13:22] Sarah Barbuscia: do you realize how much we fought?
[13:23] Sarah Barbuscia: i’ve been looking back at both the good and the bad and we started fighting at the 6 week mark
[13:26] dalbizo: I do realize that we fought. I do not want that any longer. I refuse to live that way any longer. We were both going through some difficult times (your separation from Dan, your dad and mom; me not working with others) and we are both people who need to communicate with one another otherwise we accomplish nothing. I actually feared talking about deep dark secrets with you because I wanted to remain strong and be there for you. It built up in both of us and I know that we have both learned our lessons as look where it got us.
[13:26] dalbizo: You were the one woman has meant anything to me.
[13:29] dalbizo: I fought and fought with past relationships about opening up and eventually they ended. I did the same thing with you and it is the biggest regret that I have is that I did not. You know a lot about me and vice versa, but I know I held back on my past relationships tooth and nail, not thinking that it really meant anything.
[13:29] Sarah Barbuscia: I didn’t care about the past relationships as much as I cared about you
[13:29] Sarah Barbuscia: I wanted to understand you
[13:29] dalbizo: Looking back, there should have been nothing to hide from you when it came to those relationships.
[13:30] dalbizo: I know you did and I truly am sorry about that.
[13:30] dalbizo: I don’t want to hide behind a mask with you. I just want you to know all of me and that is why I am torn up inside.
[13:31] Sarah Barbuscia: why did you contact me again?
[13:32] dalbizo: Because I can not live without you. I miss us. I want us back.
[13:32] Sarah Barbuscia: why now?
[13:33] Sarah Barbuscia: after all the crap you did to me just a few months ago why is now different?
[13:35] dalbizo: Because I am tired of fighting with someone that I love. I just want you back, Sarah Ann.
[13:36] Sarah Barbuscia: i’m tired of the suicide threats
[13:37] Sarah Barbuscia: the random emails, text messages
[13:37] Sarah Barbuscia: its a crappy thing to do to someone you love
[13:38] dalbizo: I feel like shit right now and I just want to make this all right. I do love you, Sarah Ann, I really do. I can’t live like this any longer.
[13:39] Sarah Barbuscia: live like what?
[13:39] Sarah Barbuscia: I’m not responsible for your life
[13:40] dalbizo: Life as it exists right now. I hate being apart from you. I am not saying you are responsible for my life. I am saying that I am not feeling this, I am making an effort to talk with you and make all this right.
[13:41] Sarah Barbuscia: i’ve moved on with my life
[13:42] Sarah Barbuscia: i’m not the same person anymore
[13:42] dalbizo: So is that where we are leaving it?
[13:42] dalbizo: You are still the woman I fell in love with.
[13:42] Sarah Barbuscia: If you had wanted to make amends with the people in my life, with me, you would have done it
[13:43] Sarah Barbuscia: you never made any attempt to right those wrongs
[13:43] Sarah Barbuscia: you never made the wrongs to me right
[13:43] dalbizo: I offered to do that in June and you told me to hold off. I am not making any contact without your approval.
[13:44] dalbizo: And we were working on making amends to one another as well last June.
[13:45] Sarah Barbuscia: what about the man you have been since June?
[13:46] dalbizo: I am willing to sit down with you and anyone else to make those amends as I indicated earlier.
[13:46] Sarah Barbuscia: Did you ever reach out to Derek?
[13:46] dalbizo: I did and he did not respond.
[13:47] Sarah Barbuscia: thank you.
[13:47] Sarah Barbuscia: for the record he won’t talk to me anymore
[13:47] Sarah Barbuscia: so you should be happy with that
[13:48] dalbizo: I am not happy with that. I would have been happy if you would have been honest with me to begin with. That is what really hurt is that I did not realize that you sent pictures to him and vice versa.
[13:49] dalbizo:
[13:49] dalbizo: From Facebook…
[13:49] Sarah Barbuscia: That was before we got together
[13:50] Sarah Barbuscia: and you knew that there had been something there before and it had ended
[13:50] Sarah Barbuscia: I had been honest
[13:50] dalbizo: Sarah, you said you were friends and that he pursued you. You did not say you reciprocated.
[13:51] Sarah Barbuscia: What about your dishonesty?:
[13:51] dalbizo: How so?
[13:51] Sarah Barbuscia: 30K in back child support
[13:51] Sarah Barbuscia: was really something like 90K>
[13:51] Sarah Barbuscia: seems kinda important
[13:52] dalbizo: I am willing to offer to make amends to your friends and family. Is that something you are willing to consider. The child support had nothing to do with you and I told you I have a lot of bills from the divorce as well as past support.
[13:53] Sarah Barbuscia: the problem wasn’t the money
[13:53] Sarah Barbuscia: you lied to my face
[13:53] dalbizo: How?
[13:53] Sarah Barbuscia: you told me you owed 30K
[13:53] Sarah Barbuscia: I found out after the fact that it was 90
[13:54] dalbizo: That is the last amount I had. Do you have something different? Honestly, I have not looked at it in quite a while as it only depresses me more.
[13:54] Sarah Barbuscia: seriously?
[13:56] Sarah Barbuscia: are you telling me you honestly don’t know that?>
[13:56] dalbizo: Yes, it is one of the many things that has brought me down. That is why I tried to be honest with you that night and try to tell you everything that I was feeling. You do not know how hard it is.
[13:57] Sarah Barbuscia: I believe you
[13:57] Sarah Barbuscia: and i’m sorry for calling you a liar
[13:57] Sarah Barbuscia: look
[13:57] Sarah Barbuscia: I have to go
[13:57] dalbizo: With moving to Dublin I lost that connection with people who were helping me to get my life back in order with working the steps. This is what I am trying to point to in what caused me to close down.
[13:58] Sarah Barbuscia: I understand that
[13:58] Sarah Barbuscia: I have to think
[14:00] dalbizo: This is what I have been trying to explain to you all along that it was not you and that I was sorry that I shut you out. I am so in love with you, Sarah Ann, and I hate what I did to you. I do not want this to happen to us again and I only want another chance to try this again. Both of us a little wiser and a little more open with one another to make this work.
[14:00] Sarah Barbuscia: You are asking a lot
[14:01] dalbizo: I know I am, I really do. You are my heart and soul, Sarah Ann. I truly loved being with you. I want us back.
[14:02] Sarah Barbuscia: I understand that this is good for you
[14:02] Sarah Barbuscia: what I don’t know
[14:02] Sarah Barbuscia: is if you are good for me
[14:02] Sarah Barbuscia: the worst I have ever felt in my life was when I was with you
[14:02] Sarah Barbuscia: and we were supposed to be in love
[14:03] dalbizo: David George is good for Sarah Ann.
[14:03] dalbizo: Do you still love David George?
[14:03] dalbizo: And did you feel the best you ever felt in life?
[14:04] Sarah Barbuscia: not to be cliche I love you not so sure if I am in love with you
[14:04] dalbizo: You want to stop by tomorrow to chat some more?
[14:05] Sarah Barbuscia: I need to think
[14:05] dalbizo: Think, Ms. Squirrel. Let me know in the morning?
[14:05] Sarah Barbuscia: ok
[14:06] dalbizo: Sounds good. Talk to you later…
[14:06] dalbizo: I do <3 Sarah Ann!David