Drinking The Poison Again

Tonight would be dandy. I knew there was a reason I woke up at 1:20 this morning. Someone must have been thinking about me:) I may be staying in San Jose tonight at a hotel at the expense of the Navy. That is if all my paperwork is received today and I am scheduled tomorrow for my physical. I will keep ya in the loop.

Love,

d

— On Wed, 6/11/08, Sarah Barbuscia <sarahb77777@yahoo.com> wrote:

From: Sarah Barbuscia <sarahb77777@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Warning Sign
To: dalbizo@yahoo.com
Date: Wednesday, June 11, 2008, 2:35 AM

Congrats on the test! I’m not surprised at all

Sorry for not calling – unfortunately I left the city a little after 1 and since I don’t know your schedule thought that I would wait to call you until tomorrow night. Let me know if that works for ya.

—– Original Message —-
From: David Albizo <dalbizo@yahoo.com>
To: Sarah barbuscia <sarahb77777@yahoo.com>
Sent: Tuesday, June 10, 2008 8:29:14 PM
Subject: RE: Warning Sign

Everything is contingent upon my them finishing up the background check and the test results. Once that is complete, I will meet with an assessor who determines what field is the best fit for me. I would love the legal side, but it is not guaranteed. Assignment to boot camp is based on additional training for your field. I will learn more once I meet with the assessor to determine if there is a need in the particular field and whether active assignment is probable. Navy and Air Force were the only two branches my parents would give their blessings, as there is no possibility of me seeing action. I figure what ever field I get into would be a good start on getting college complete and all the benefits that they offer (even partial for the reserve) are a lot better than the private sector today. No jumping ship under any circumstances as decontamination does not sound like a lot of fun.

I am very proud of you in your career advancement in the past year. You saw an opportunity and have taken full advantage of it. I know you will kick arse in grad school should you decide to go that course.

You are an exceptional mother.  You are always there for Bella. Reading to her, attending her activities, and more show me that.  Don’t be so hard on yourself. We were raised in a very different generation. One where there was no love shown and things were not communicated openly. You are on the right track. Every day brings an opportunity to grow.

I accepted you for who you are because I can relate to you. We all go through our experiences in life and it does not makes us any less of a person. It is a growing process and some of that growth comes in accepting the past for what it was and letting go. I could walk around with all the anger in the world for the past, but where does that get me? More anger. I have had to really take a look at my part in things and realize that I need to be more open with my feelings. Bottling them up does nothing. You said it best about letting those darkest parts out into the light. For me it has been opening up to people and telling them that I am going through the same feelings of inadequacies, fears, etc. By doing that, I have learned that people have these same feelings as me and may offer some suggestions that help me to overcome these feelings. Letting me know that it will be okay and I do not have to be afraid to show who really am as a person. Not trying to always act like I know and listening as someone may have a good idea.

I see being with no one else but you. I would only be fooling myself to think otherwise. You are so easy to love because you are you. You have made me realize what true love is. It has been a growing process with me and frankly I stopped working on myself. I want this relationship to continue. I just want us to take it easy. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to see you and kiss you all over and continue the David/Sarah story (I like that saying.) We will both know when it will be the right time again. I need to get some balance in my life, so that I am able to have a balance in our relationship. I was at a point where there were so many things going on, yet I really wasn’t moving. I had a wonderful relationship, yet I was not stabilized with work and my personal well-being. I don’t want to go back to who I have been as a person. I want that inner peace that I have experienced. It is taking what I learn and implementing it on a daily basis. For me, it is dealing with the past and living in the moment. I am here for you to provide my love and support.

I love you, Sarah Ann

d

— On Sun, 6/8/08, Sarah Barbuscia <sarahb77777@yahoo.com> wrote:

From: Sarah Barbuscia <sarahb77777@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Warning Sign
To: dalbizo@yahoo.com
Date: Sunday, June 8, 2008, 1:22 AM

I figured you would catch the reference – you always have

I’m proud of you for taking action towards achieving a goal. If anything, that was perhaps one of the hardest things to watch as someone with so much talent and intelligence floundered for lack of direction / purpose. It was something that no one could have done for you and if this is your chosen path please go down it knowing that you have my blessings and support. Any sign when you will be going into boot camp? Any idea what the likelihood is that you will end up on active duty? If you do jump from a ship well use it only in the direst of circumstances – I can’t imagine the decontamination process is fun at all.

As for myself – well on the surface things are progressing well. My promotion officially was in place the end of February and I am now in charge of a 145 person organization. Things have been going well at work and I have received some pretty sweet commendations with a few little bonus perks. Darcy’s opinion is that I am a workaholic which might have some element of truth – its too quiet on the nights that bell isn’t here and frankly I hate being inactive. In addition to work I have begun reconsidering grad school now that I can actually afford tuition again and have been really focusing on Bella. Of everything and everyone I think that she didn’t get the best from me and that isn’t the type of parent I wanted to be.

Deeper down however what I realize is that I have been in a depression since fall of last year at least. My favorite time of year reared it’s ugly head and there are some deep wounds that I had been uncovering. My obsession with the past (mostly others) really was as a direct result of not really addressing some pretty major things that happened to me. Abuse, rape, dysfunctional/abusive relationships one after another were mostly shut down into some dark deep parts that I just never dealt with that started to surface. I have been working through this and have started work with a therapist to make sure that I don’t laugh this stuff off anymore – I have learned that you are not the sum of your past but if not understood then it is bound to be repeated.

Where indeed. Frankly I have never been in love with anyone before you and I truly mean that. I had always denied or hid most of myself – I would become the girlfriend that they wanted versus standing and being myself. You saw more of me then anyone in my life ever has and you accepted me rather then tried to change me which I am grateful for. You will always have my heart and are my one true love.

So where to go from here?? That may be the hardest part as we have so completely tore each other that what is left will take delicate stitching at best to bring this back together. It has been so hard being apart from you but i’m not sure that either of us is at a point that we could jump straight into the pool again. You are working on all of the other puzzle pieces and frankly so am I. My greatest concern would be that we stop doing this important work on ourselves as we get caught back up in the David / Sarah story. It would be really easy to lose ourselves in that (which is what I believed happened before) and find that we end up in worse  individual shape then we are now. I don’t know that I can survive another meltdown and the impact to others in our lives – our families and friends – was enough that we should tread lightly regardless. Let me be clear I don’t believe that this is a matter of if we will be in each other’s lives ,  for me it’s a matter of when.

I love you David George~

S.

—– Original Message —-
From: David Albizo <dalbizo@yahoo.com>
To: Sarah Barbuscia <sarahb77777@yahoocom>
Sent: Saturday, June 7, 2008 6:32:25 PM
Subject: Re: Warning Sign

Oh, I got the reference as soon as I read that heading. Trust me I am at a crossroads right now. I have received the blessings from my dad and mom and am seriously contemplating joining the Naval Reserve. The recruiter has scheduled me for the test on Tuesday. I took the screening test and scored a 72 last week (passing was 36 and most people score in the 30’s). I am hoping to get a gig in their legal field as an enlisted Legalman, with aspirations of becoming an officer and becoming a JAG. That will help in getting a law degree. Yes, I have sat down and decided what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. It is not active duty, so I would have an 8-year commitment that can be reduced of I go on active duty. Funny thing is that boot camp is at Great Lakes, IL. I found that rather ironic. I promise not to jump from any ships Where do I start this? Where? Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy misses girl. I knew when we met at Muse that you were the “one.” Laughing and playing around that entire concert made me appreciate that. I fell in love with you when we wandered around our city for 24 hours with no agenda. I have never fallen out of love with you and honestly don’t know if I ever will. That is not to sound obsessive or things of that nature. I look at the complete picture when I look at us. It all went too quickly and I think that coming to grips with everything was just that much more intensified when things ended. I made a life plan with you. I just did not know where the rest of the puzzles fit in. I live in the now, but realize that I have been bouncing around from year to year because I have not clearly defined my life plan. Things have overwhelmed me for the past 14 years after the divorce and I never really addressed a single thing. It is more looking at those pieces of the puzzle individually and working on them individually. It is only then that I am able to complete the puzzle. Hey, that is analogy. That is where I am at today. I send my love back to you and will always have my arms opened for you. Love, d — On Sat, 6/7/08, Sarah Barbuscia <sarahb77777@yahoo.com> wrote: From: Sarah Barbuscia <sarahb77777@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: Warning Sign To: dalbizo@yahoo.com Date: Saturday, June 7, 2008, 11:42 AM It does make sense and I want you to know that I love you too. I have had to put up a lot of walls but the truth is once I stopped running you were still there and  I just missed you. We both still have a lot of growing and work that we need to do and I set no expectations for how this work will be done. I just want to know that you are ok and want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending my love. In case you didn’t catch the reference…….. A warning sign I missed the good part then I realised That I started looking and the bubble burst I started looking for excuses Come on in, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones That I started looking for a warning sign When the truth is I miss you Yeah the truth is That I miss you so A warning sign You came back to haunt me and I realised That you were an island and I passed you by When you were an island to discover Come on in, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones That I started looking for a warning sign And the truth is I miss you Yeah the truth is I miss you so And I’m tired I should not have let you go So I crawl back into your open arms Yes I crawl back into your open arms And I crawl back into your open arms Yes I crawl back into your open arms —– Original Message —- From: David Albizo <dalbizo@yahoo.com> To: Sarah Barbuscia <sarahb77777@yahoo.com> Sent: Saturday, June 7, 2008 1:19:36 AM Subject: Re: Warning Sign I needed to be fed from the outside and work on myself. I needed that outside contact with friends and family after I moved in with you. I stopped growing and it ate me up from inside. I needed your understanding of what I was going through and I was trying to express that to you when we had our conversation that night before I lost it. I just needed time to get back on track. What happened between us wasn’t meant to be directed at you. We hurt the ones we love the most. I didn’t see your side of the equation and I didn’t believe you saw mine. I don’t blame either one of us. Breaking down these walls we had built up was/is not an overnight process. It takes continual learning on a daily basis. It takes for me having a spiritual contact with God and just being in action, for when I do not have that I am lost. I let everyday life get in the way of that. We hurt each other. Please understand that what I said and did was not intentional. It was a byproduct of not working on myself like I should have been. It was not doing things outside of the relationship that needed to be done in order to strengthen it. With doing these things and more, I am able to let people in and know me. I love you, Sarah Ann. That is the bottom line and one thing that I know in my heart of hearts. I never wanted this to end and the rest of our lives together. You were everything that I ever hoped for in a relationship. It has been a miserable experience these past few months in trying to come to terms with everything that has happened. The only thing I can do is to work on myself and live in the moment. I can only do the next right thing. I hope this all makes sense. d — On Fri, 6/6/08, Sarah Barbuscia <sarahb77777@yahoo.com> wrote: From: Sarah Barbuscia <sarahb77777@yahoo.com> Subject: Warning Sign To: “David Albizo” <dalbizo@yahoo.com> Date: Friday, June 6, 2008, 7:44 PM Let me acknowledge that after our last text exchange that this email may be unwelcome and I would completely understand if you did not respond to this message.  This is not sent for any other reason or hope then to perhaps release a demon that has been haunting me and I will hope that you will not mind the intrusion on your state of mind. This year which started off so innocently has been hell and I finally took some time off to rest my heart and head last week. I’m not telling you this to increase any perceived burden but to explain what impetuous has brought me to initiate contact with you when I know the best thing would be for me to fade into your past. I want to apologize to you and take responsibility for my actions with how things ended with us. I don’t know that in hindsight anything could have changed – I had reached a point of pain that made it impossible to think clearly however during my time off I found myself thinking that I could have been more compassionate, more expressive to you about where I was. A real relationship requires that the tough conversations happen and frankly I dodged them for what I thought would result in greater peace. Perhaps if I hadn’t we could have reached a point of honesty early enough to avoid the titanic sized hole that ended things for us. Frankly this may be exactly how things were supposed to be – that we could learn what it was like and learn enough from this experience to be different as a result of being in each others lives. For the record I am better for having known you and I appreciate you for who you are. Take care of yourself and best of luck to you in whatever you do. ~S.