I can:

feel your touch, feel your pulsating heart, feel your breath

I know you still:

love me, care, are concerned.

I can:

hear your laughs, see your smiling face, remember those times we shared.

Why are you:

so scared, so far away, unhappy?

2009 has sucked. I doubt 2010 will be any different. I am sure I will see a lot more San Francisco Medical Examiner vans rolling around the Tenderloin.

That is all.

I just know that something good is going to happen

I think Davey knows when I need a certain song to lift me up. I needed that today after getting thrashed in football, 42-14. 3 for 33, 22 YDS, 2 TDs and 1 INT would be the box score in the paper. It was a lot of fun, but I knew the day was done when I was picked by an 11 year-old. So much for my perfect season of 1-0.

It is always fun waiting for the N-Judah on a Sunday afternoon. I look up to see that the next train would arrive in 24 minutes. Option A: walk. Option B: wait. I hate waiting for things to happen, but I knew I wouldn’t make it to the Gaza Freedom March either way so I just waited. Boring…

I did get to attend A Benefit for the Children of Gaza tonight. A special thanks to Aymen Abdel Halim for performing at this event and to Jennifer Jajeh for signing autographs for the kids (and me too!). Don’t forget to check out http://www.ihearthamas.com for future shows in your area by Ms. Jajeh.

It is hard to believe that it has been a year since the Israelis made yet another senseless assault on the people of Gaza. Some of the information on the flier handed out tonight concerning the children of Gaza:

• Children make up more than half (56%) of Gaza’s population.
• At least 341 Palestinian children were killed during the 2008 Dec. 27- 2009 Jan. 18 Israeli assault on on Gaza.
• An estimated 1,346 Gazan children were left without one or more of their parents as a result of the Israeli assault.
• 50,000 children in Gaza are malnourished, which stunts long-term physical and mental development.
• About half of the children under age 2 are anemic and 70% have Vitamin A deficiency.

Wake up, people! Senseless killings are going on half a world away. And for what? Land. Land that does not rightfully belong to the Israelis. They have and will continue to violate every agreement that has been enacted. They will continue to kill innocent civilians. Why? No one is stopping them. Our government can’t even take care of itself, let alone even take the initiative to do something about this atrocity.

Do the citizens of the United States even realize that the Israelis are about 65% complete on building their Apartheid Wall? Do we even care? It is funny how governments erect walls in order to keep people out (example: The Estados Unidos’ wall now being erected at the Mexican border), but in this circumstance it is not. People are dying from starvation as a result of Israel’s actions. People like you and I are without the vital necessities in life. Why? Because the Israelis don’t care and are afraid that the “Arabs” will take over.

This is a quote in 1976 from former Israeli Chief of Staff of the Israeli Defense Forces Raphael Eitan concerning separation:
“I don’t understand the comparison between us and South Africa. What we have in common is that we both take measures to ensure that we are not overpowered. Those who say that Blacks in South Africa are persecuted are lying. The Blacks there want to overpower the white minority, just like the Arabs here want to overpower us. And we, just like the South African minority, must act to make sure we are not overpowered. I went to see a diamond mine there and saw what superb conditions Black workers are enjoying. So what if there is a separate lift for Blacks and Whites? That’s the way they want it…”

Speak up, people! I would love 2010 to be the year that sees a Free Palestinian State.

More information can be found at http://www.freegaza.org/ and http://www.bdsmovement.net/

I wish I never would have hopped on that train yesterday. It would have been better if I just stayed put and made up a million and one excuses not to go back to the old stomping grounds.

I just hope I never have to go back there again.

So I was reading in the paper today (that is Old Media where you read from a thing called a newspaper for you kids) that monkeys have adapted to their environment and learned how to fish. Not with rods and reels, mind you, but at least it is a start. Only a million more years until they catch up with us and take over the world.

Summer is fast approaching and I though back to my childhood. We didn’t have social networks or iPods as a kid. All we had were AM radios and summer camp. Summer camp should have been titled ‘My Parents Work So All I Got Was This Trip To The Y So I Don’t Get In Trouble.’

AM radio led me to what was playing on the popular stations in the late 70’s – Soft Rock. Music like The Carpenters, Barry Manilow, and the like. I didn’t discover groups like Black Sabbath until the stoners were playing them in the early 80’s at my friend’s house. I was in awe when I heard my first song on FM radio. No more of the crackling when lightning struck or cosmic calamities were set to destroy my listening pleasure on the AM dial.

It is funny how I have seen all facets of technology evolve in the span of 30 years. I remember my first JC Penney vinyl/cassette player that I got for Christmas one year. Funny thing was that record prices were hovering around $8.99 when I was about 12 or 13 years old. I can now download an album on iTunes for around $9.99. How is that for the price of inflation. The sad thing is that I do not get to read the lyrics that came with vinyl and now have to do a lyrics search. There was just something about taking of the plastic and pulling out the record sleeve that usually contained the lyrics.

I don’t think I owned my first CD player until I was in my 20’s, so I marveled at my friend Grant’s that played Sig Sig Sputnik without skipping. I made do with a cassette player during teenage years. I didn’t get my first iPod until I was 34 years old. I understand that every kid now has an iPod by the age of three. I don’t know how I existed before I had my first IPod. I mean for a music lover to have his entire catalog at his fingertips is like a dream come true. Purists (audiophiles) will say that vinyl gives a more realistic sound. All I want to do is listened, so I will leave that debate up to them. I love being able to just listen to what ever my heart desires at that moment. No having to search for a record or to fast forward/rewind a tape.

I don’t mind e-mail or social networks, but I do miss the connection that is made with a face-to-face meeting. It is nice to use the social networks to see how everyone is, since everyone lives all over the world now.

Change is a double-edged sword for me. I loved those days where life was simpler, yet I love the technological advancements that I have seen.

I guess I’ll go back to reading the paper now.

I saw a sticker on the back of a wheelchair yesterday that said that. The only problem I found was that it didn’t exactly say who God was saving from hell.

It was a day of religious messages for me yesterday. In the span of a couple of hours, I also saw shirts that read Jesus thought of you and I feel a sin coming on. I was in stitches after the second shirt, as I love the messages with religious overtones. I am still looking for a large t-shirt that has Jesus coming out from behind a couch. I forgot what the message was, but I will know it when I see it.

I love having discussions with people about fate versus free will. The only time God (or whomever is in charge of this place) has a choice is when we are born or when we die. There are those times in between that are called fate. I am still a little skeptical about this whole free will stuff. Take for example the way that we sometimes avoid near fatal accidents or do all the right things to land the job we have always wanted. People almost always make the statement that God played a hand in it. My argument is that if God played a small bit in avoiding the hospital or earning a billion a year, what other roles does he play in our life. Sure, I could make choice A or B, but they are all going to lead down the same road as a result of God’s will.

I had a discussion with my relatives during Thanksgiving dinner. My mother is a devout Catholic and I love to ruffle her feathers once in a while. I think I used this rationale in some discussion we had about death. My mom is a little dogmatic in her approaches to religion, so I like to have a little fun with her ever so often just to see what she says.

I am thankful this year that there is not that strong values coalition springing up for the elections. I am almost a little grateful for Reverend Wright and John Hagee for their views. The religious zealots have now turned their attention to same sex marriages this year. Every time I hear one of these people get up on their soap box, they always have to make the argument that it will affect the children. Politicians and religious zealots sadly love children a little too much sometimes. I am of the opinion that a same sex couple can do what a nuclear family does, provide love. I have seen it in same sex couples time and time again.

I am amazed that we still live in a society that frowns upon same sex couples. The incident last week at Safeco Field in Seattle, WA was appalling. I seriously doubt that the couple was putting on a show, it was someone who showed intolerance toward fellow man. Hmmm, I wonder if I could make the argument that it is not their choice to be together, it is God’s.

I think I am ranting, I sound like I am ranting. It is Hillary’s fault. Don’t suspend, just drop out. It is pathetic to see someone not accept that they lost. It is like a team that goes 162-0 in the regular season and then loses in the first round of the playoffs. Barack’s camp played the game better. Now take your bats and gloves and go home. 2012 is only 4 years away. I am tired of the negative campaigning, but know that it will be only intensifying with the help of FOX news and all those other fanatics. I dare them to stick to the issues, I just dare them.

I talked to my mom today and she was saying that Barack is her man. I didn’t ask her when she jumped on the bandwagon. Last time I could remember, she was a huge Bill fan and thought that had transferred over to Hillary. She fits the older, white women vote that is owned by Hillary. I wonder if I should call Barack and let him know that they can change their minds.

I got to see Firme perform in downtown San Jose for Music in The Other Park. I haven’t see them play in about three years. It was nice to just take in a live show. I began to then think about the one song this week that really stood out for me. I really think it was Oingo Boingo’s “Out of Control.” Danny Elfman was the lead singer of Boingo, one of my favorite bands. He now does music for The Simpsons (yes, the theme song) and mostly Tim Burton movies. I catch myself singing this song, even in public. The lyrics are as follows:

Everyone says sooner or later you’ll reach the end of the line
When things get rough some think it’s easy to jump the ship . . .
You decide

I say–don’t throw it away
There’s about a million reasons why
Though you’ve heard them all before
And you’re getting very tired
Lay your head on my lap and I’ll sing you this lullaby

CHORUS
Don’t you know
That everyone around you
Has felt the pain you feel today
You’re out of control yeah–and you want someone to tell you
When you wake up in the morning it’ll only be a dream
You’re out of control . . .

There’s a cloud-rollin’ overhead and it seems to rain on no one else
There’s a black sun–casting a black shadow,
and I know you feel so all alone
You’re out of control–and you want the world to love you
Or maybe you just want a chance to let them know
That you live and breathe and suffer
And your back is in the corner and you’ve got nowhere to go

Nothin’ for nothin’–everything’s right at your fingertips–for a price
Who ever said that life on this planet would ever be paradise
I say–don’t throw it away, you’ve got too many things to say
If you throw your life, if you throw away your life . . .
THe world will never be the same

CHORUS

You’re out of control–and you move without direction
And people look right through your soul
You’re out of control–and you want someone to tell you
When you wake up in the morning it’ll only be a dream
And I wish that I could tell you, it’ll only be a dream

I listened to a former prostitute telling her story last night. This had been the first time that I was essentially face-to-face with someone who had described the atrocities of molestation, frequent drug use and prostitution. Her saying: I loved men; yet despised them at the same time. I couldn’t help but notice the ray of light that she exuded when talking about herself in present day. I have learned a little more that women have a little bit more of suffering versus men. This is not to say they are inferior, it is just to say that there is a little more abuse that is directed at them then men.

I grew up in a relatively small town. We did not have the prevalent problems of crime. There was one section of town that we knew not to go to at night and that was about it. It wasn’t really until my sophomore year of high school that I sought out the prevalent problem. That experience lasted about a half year.

I am noticing a pattern on terms of my interactions with fellow human being. I am always interested in learning their back stories these days. What brought them to this point. I generally hear the anguish that they have gone through and find it hard to imagine they have lasted as long as they did. It makes me appreciate man’s desire to overcome; to persevere in this thing called life. And as Prince said in “Let’s Go Crazy”:

Electric word life
It means forever and that’s a mighty long time
But I’m here 2 tell u
There’s something else
The afterworld

Yeah, had to throw those lyrics in there, as that was the first thought that same to my head after I typed that.

I noticed this morning that my interest recently has revolved around fellow man. I often joked before that I would love to do documentaries about simple, everyday tasks that humans partake in. I think I am well on my way to conducting research for these documentaries. In the message I heard last night, it was hope.

I have named my iPods Davey in remembrance of my grandmother who used to call me that. I have been without Davey for the past month. Over the past couple of days we have bonded. He (it?) plays me music; I listen to the music he is playing. Silly that an inanimate object has taken on a life of its own in my head.

I really began to appreciate having it this morning as I was off to see some friends. One of the things I love about the past four years is that I have been able to listen to music on a daily basis. I started out with an MP3 player when I moved here from San Diego. It played 100 songs on a CD-RW and I managed to get by. 4 iPods later, I am now at 15,093 songs.

Ministry’s “Halloween” came on and I harkened back to Halloween 1987. I remembered doing the 80’s Goth dance to that song with one of my friends and the bop-eee-bop-bop part of the song stuck in my head from that day forward. I always think back to that particular moment in time when I hear that song. I think back to a lot of instances when I hear almost any song; some of those instances are good and some of them bad.

That song was a segway to my life a little over two years ago. I missed that time in my life as I was getting to do something I always wanted to do. That was having an outlet to express myself. It was a podcast where I got to play music and just talk. The funny thing was is that people listened. I enjoyed moments with my friends, Charles and Aharon in particular, because we were able to find a common bond through music. I have found a common ground with people in music (Note to self: need to check out My Brightest Diamond after reading a review). Funny thing was that I got an e-mail from Apple stating that they were discontinuing the link for the podcast, as it appears non-existent. I could have told them that almost two years ago.

I have found recently that there is more to life than just have likes or dislikes when it comes to music. There has been more of a reaching out to people in terms of dealing with life by myself in the past few days. Just simply finding the coping mechanisms that a fellow human being uses to make it through the day; be satisfied with the here and now; be able to accept what has happened in the past, learn and move forward. Finding different ideas or strengths to reach that next level; achieve that inner peace. I have been doing a lot of soul searching in the past month or so trying to find what I really want out of life. I hate stumbling (read: self-destructing) when life gets too good, because it not only leaves wreckage with me but others as well.

I saw someone that honest has no chance of leading a normal life, whatever that is today. His brain is fried and no amount of medication is going to help this guy balance a checkbook, let alone be self-sufficient. The sad thing is that this kid is only 26 years old. I know that there is that inner soul in him trying to break through, because I saw moments of lucidity in speaking with him. The unfortunate thing is that whatever effect those events that led to his current state have only suppressed that inner soul. I will keep him in my thoughts and prayers.

Those are just some of the things that have been rolling around in my head today. A friend of mine suggested that I journal. I told him that I blog, as it exposes some of me to others. Makes me a little more vulnerable to others in an effort to be able to talk about what is going on in my life today. Today I have hope. Today I have faith. Today I live.

Now deleted and defeated
I will stand on my own
Yeah your memory that punches me
has broken the bone

Give me recipes for sorry
I’m admitting I’m wrong
Still your memory that punches me
has broken the bone

These are some of the lyrics from Blue October’s “X Amount of Words” and I owe a debt of gratitude to Charles for playing this song from them when he was turning me onto them.

I think I have been to 4 or 5 of their shows in the past couple of years. I have always enjoyed the time before their shows when they are doing sound check, because they invariably play the drum machine loop from this song. I love this song for the drum machine, bass, and guitar melodies. The lyrics to this are some of the strangest I have heard, but they just flow.

I listened to this song about 4 or 5 times before I went to sleep last night, just because I can’t listen to this song just once. I have those songs that I could listen to all day long and never grow tired of them. During my senior year of high school, my ritual was to play Joy Division’s “Love Will Tear Us Apart” to and fro. I didn’t just listen to it once, but for the entire 10-15 minute drive. I had a 1984 Dodge 600 that I got from my grandparents (What, what! Rolling in the Dodge) and swear that I may have been bumping this song when I was entering or leaving the school parking lot. This song still just reminds me of that drive. After I graduated from high school, I think my song choice was The Church’s “Reptile.” God bless my friend Grant, for tolerating my OCD tendencies during that summer with that song and AM/PM for 2 for 99 cents and 44 ounce drinks for 59 cents.

20 minutes on hold and I was able to type a blog. Thank you for your patience. Someone will be with you momentarily. I think today is going to be hurry up and wait. Oh well…