Da Beezer Report

Twisting The Knife

dalbizo — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:14:49 +0000

Sarah Barbuscia September 15 at 8:14pm Report

can we talk?

David Albizo September 16 at 3:14pm

What’s going on, Sarah Ann?

Sarah Barbuscia September 16 at 5:08pm Report

I’m not sure how to answer that. I feel compelled to talk to you however i’m not in a place where there is any resolution so if it’s better for me to walk on, I will do so.

David Albizo September 16 at 7:35pm

What are you trying to get at or, more importantly, why do you feel compelled to talk with me?

Sarah Barbuscia September 16 at 11:47pm Report

I need to forgive you and I need to know that you forgive me. I feel like there is this deep set poison of unfinished business that might be resolved if we talked.

David Albizo September 21 at 9:50am

I am not upset with you; I just needed a few days to think. I am open for talking with you. I am busy with church stuff on Mondays, Wednesdays and Sundays. I might have an outreach on Saturday, as well.

Sarah Barbuscia September 21 at 1:32pm Report

Why don’t we plan on Friday. I will be in early meetings however could meet up with you around 12 if you like.

David Albizo September 21 at 1:40pm

I work until 5:30 or so during the week, but Mondays and Wednesdays are later days. Sorry for not clarifying that.

Sarah Barbuscia September 21 at 1:46pm Report

Ahh gotcha. Well if its an evening thing then how about next Tuesday around 6 or so? Dan and I shifted to a weekly schedule with Bell so she is with me all this week and with him next week.

David Albizo September 21 at 5:56pm

That will be fine. Meet me here at 140 Turk in The TL?

Sarah Barbuscia September 21 at 6:56pm Report

Sure. see you then

Sarah Barbuscia September 29 at 5:26pm Report

hey so im waiting for bart and will be about 15 to 30 minutes late. sorry about that I missed the right train

Sent via Facebook Mobile

David Albizo September 29 at 5:47pm

Sounds good.

Sarah Barbuscia September 29 at 9:35pm Report

thank you for being you

Sent via Facebook Mobile

David Albizo September 30 at 8:51am

And I thank God for your wonderful smile and cherished laugh. I love you, Sarah Ann. Thank you for your honesty last night and saying what we both have needed to say for three years. You have taught me that in order for me to grow, I need to be open-minded. You make me laugh because you are the one and only person that I relate to on all levels. You allow me to be me and I have let a good majority of that wall down with you. I continue to knock down that wall every day. Lightness versus darkness. I loved how you put that.

I will tell you I was able to listen to Black Holes and Revelations this morning. That is a good thing, right

Have a great day. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sarah Barbuscia September 30 at 8:16pm Report

That is a good thing for sure

David Albizo October 1 at 8:55am

For shizzle!

Sarah Barbuscia October 1 at 2:17pm Report

my nizzle. i’m tired – wish this week was over all ready. I may not be able to make church this Sunday – I forgot about a committment for a breakfast that I would like to keep. Is there a later bible study or something else?

David Albizo October 1 at 2:44pm

I know the feeling. It has relaxed a bit here as some people received their checks, so they are out and about.

No other events for Sunday. We’ll probably be playing basketball afterward. We also have Wednesday night prayer and mens and womens groups too. And bible study at 2 pm Monday through Friday. More info at www.sf911.com

Sarah Barbuscia October 2 at 12:24am Report

Kewl – thanks for the info

David Albizo October 2 at 8:44am

You are most certainly welcome. We have a video series for our Bible study today that involves Kirk Cameron. It is at trip to see him preaching The Word.

Sarah Barbuscia October 2 at 3:03pm Report

Kirk was the man – It’s all about Growing Pains

David Albizo October 2 at 3:50pm

He has a big boy voice now and his hair has receded a little bit. I was still asking if it was him a couple of weeks ago. GP: A show I watched religiously.

Sarah Barbuscia October 2 at 10:45pm Report

Did you watch it for tracey gold?

David Albizo October 3 at 12:03am

Um, no. I actually enjoyed the cheesiness of the show. What trouble was Mike going to weasel his way out of this week. I was a fan of Alan Thicke back in the day too.

David Albizo October 3 at 8:56pm

Ah, this New Order station is playing absolutely terrific music. Thank you so much for the suggestion. You rock, as always

Sarah Barbuscia October 4 at 4:22pm Report

Why thank you – I would also recommend Simple Minds radio for just great songs that it plays. Song for today? Alive and Kicking live version – something about that song takes me instantly back in time and good times that is

David Albizo October 5 at 9:15am

Another great station I would imagine. Excellent choice for a song. I love that song and All The Things She Said.

Good times indeed

Sarah Barbuscia October 5 at 12:11pm Report

Yeah – that is a great song too. How was church yesterday?

David Albizo October 5 at 1:26pm

Still one of my favorite bands. “Promised You A Miracle” is still in my Top 25

It was really good. I love Pastor Roger’s sense of humor. He comes across as a very serious guy, but will crack a joke in an instant. We are study the book of Nehemiah, and the theme for this month is to build a city within a city. Pastor Clint is the same way, so Adult Bible Study is always fun.

Pastor Roger is challenging me to run 10 laps at the track, as I outran him a few weeks ago when we went on a spiritual retreat. It is funny because he just looks at me now and shakes his head and finger, saying,”Just you wait.”

Sarah Barbuscia October 5 at 9:06pm Report

Nice to hear you are running again – you are so much happier when you’re active. So I unfortunately am coming down with a cold not enough sleep and too much stress I think.
Did you happen to catch Neko on Sun?

David Albizo October 5 at 9:23pm

Davey is walking 6 miles round trip from the house to the Rescue Mission. Took the new intern from our house to the Golden Gate Bridge last night. I love walking around this city and sometimes punish people when I get that burst of energy. I never recall dragging some innocent bystander up to Coit Tower one time at band camp.

I did not even know she was in town. I do know that “Bad” is blasting in my ears right now. Another excellent choice on the Simple Minds station.

I hope you feel better. I wish I could take away your cold with a bowl of soup.

Sarah Barbuscia October 5 at 9:41pm Report

yeah – me too stupid germs.

Actually coit tower is a better memory then our trek in the rain from past market up tha big hills to top of nob hill. That walk sucked

Bad – best song eva. true story

Neko and a bunch of folks were playing a free bluegrass concert in Golden Gate Park. I was entertaining but I had some friends who went and told me that she was awesome.

How are you?

David Albizo October 5 at 10:15pm

I remember that walk. I always seemed to stop too early at BART stations and ended up having to walk I realized that I did that when we went to Edinburgh Castle. Bad Davey.

True story for Bad? Is it an E! True Hollywood story? Do tell…

I did not even see her on the bill for Strictly Hardly. I would have been there in a heartbeat. Steve Martin was also playing. That must have been great. I did get to see Robert Plant and Alison Krauss last year and it was awesomo.

Missing someone and Ordinary World by DD is playing

Sarah Barbuscia October 6 at 10:27am Report

Eh – it was always an adventure. No complaints from me.

It could be an E! True Hollywood story for sure. Best band, best song.

That would have been an awesome concert but I have to admit I resented that tour since that was what kept Robert from reuniting with Led Zeppelin. Hopefully they pull that together while they can still reunite as this is one of those bands that would be incredible to see in concert.

I’m happy we are talking again – I don’t know if you have any peace but I feel like a huge stone has lifted and it feels good just chatting like this again.

Hope you have a good day.

David Albizo October 6 at 1:48pm

Adventures are always fun with you, as we are both impetuous It might be good once in a while not to walk up a steep hill when it was raining. Honestly, I planned that so we had an excuse to take off our clothes.

Is there a story behind that song? I always love how you have the backgrounds for U2 songs. It like you’ll say Bono was on top of a mountain when he felt inspired to write “Elevation.”

They did do a couple of Zeppelin songs, and they were very interesting. Maybe they will have a Page/Plant reunion and Jason Bonham can join them on drums.

I’ve missed talking with you. You always provided a ray of sunshine for me and I just love that we can talk about anything and everything. I loved that we were able to just be open and honest with one another last week. That meant a lot to me.

And you have a great day, beautiful woman.

I love you, Sarah Ann. Always and forever.

Sarah Barbuscia October 6 at 2:53pm Report

yeah there is a story – one of addiction and despair actually. It was written about some friends that got sucked deep into heroin addiction (which was very very common in low income areas of Dublin). There are several U2 songs around this topic. Funny enough Bono did a guest spot on Entourage which makes that show very very cool now in my book.

It was good to be honest and open with you. There have been too many tears cried over not being able to be here.

David Albizo October 7 at 2:22pm

David Albizo October 11 at 2:12pm

You are awesome!

“Someday I’ll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.”

Sarah Barbuscia October 12 at 12:33am Report

Thanks I’m in AZ and my mom was throwing a luau party. I love that version of Somewhere over the rainbow and I was put in charge of music. How you be?

David Albizo October 12 at 8:53am

Not too bad. Took a Junior High Ministry group to see the Blue Angels on Saturday, but they canceled due to fog. Did get to see them yesterday though and found an awesomo ledge to sit and watch them from now on.

I didn’t mean to send you a short message the last time. That last paragraph about tears kind of made me sad. I never liked to see you cry. It breaks my heart.

Sarah Barbuscia October 13 at 5:35pm Report

Right on – i’m sorry I missed fleet weekend and the angels. I watched it last year from Alcatraz which was awesome

For the record i’m sorry for the tears that I have made you cry. If there was a way that I could take the last two years away from both of us I would. The reality is we both avoided dealing with the really tough issues. It was easier talking about the next concert or family guy then it was to talk about feeling alienated and alone. But this is old terrain and I think that we both know what was wrong, what we wish we could change and how the chain of events might have been different if we had selected a different path. As I told you I truly do forgive you – I have to as continuing to hold this anger was changing who I was and made me miserable.

David Albizo October 13 at 7:52pm

It is so awesome to watch it from Alcatraz. The sad thing is that I was supposed to go with you on our maiden voyage.

I want to believe that I have held on for the past two years in hope that we could both work through the difficult road in our lives and move on together. These were lyrics that popped into my head about five minutes ago:

Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to
Each other forever

This is hard. I have never felt like this before. I was able to live and what I thought was love. When the “love” was gone, I let it go. I just hate feeling like this. I don’t know where I am going with this right now. It was just wonderful to see you. I hate going to sleep without you next to me, hate not having you by my side when Blue Angels are flying over my head, hearing a song and thinking about the first time we heard it together. We simply did not lay down that groundwork that we needed to communicate our feelings to one another. I thought I was doing enough by giving you a smile and telling you it was going to be okay, listening to you tell your history or just trouble you may have been having at work or with family. I was there, I was listening. I remember when I was on the phone with you when you discovered that your dad’s home was no longer where you thought it was. We lost that closeness somewhere. I don’t know if it was the long commute or just the stresses of the day where we got through all of that, but we didn’t get much farther than that. I lost my disconnect with God and it simply just ate me up inside; it ate us up as well. I can not begin to describe the many different ways that you have touched my heart. I honestly never believed that I would find a woman who would reach down and make me feel wonderful. The sad aspect: that woman ran away, ran very far away. It crushed me and I am resigned to the fact that I will never have a relationship like one that I shared with you. I stared deep into your eyes and I still saw that love. I saw that look that said, “I care about you.” My heart and soul were touched once again. Sadly, here I am again yearning to look into those eyes once again; feel the kiss of those lips; the warmth of that kiss; the laugh when I say something funny; my laugh when I hear a story from the woman I love with all my heart.

Is that mushy? I feel mushy when I am around you and that is what I love about you; you bring out that hopeless romantic in me. Please come back home…

Sarah Barbuscia October 15 at 8:41am Report

I didn’t mean to keep you waiting on this – I just didn’t know how to respond. I am honored by your honesty and feel deeply for how I hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

David Albizo October 15 at 10:44am

I just want to grow old with you. I want to be able to tell our grandchildren that we were able to overcome this and it made us stronger. I feel there are still stories to for us to share together, experiences that are impetuous, and things that only you and I understand.

I have to admit that I started becoming despondent after we thought you were pregnant in August. In my mind, I thought that you were still taking the pill to terminate the possible pregnancy. I thought I verbalized my concerns to you about continuing to take the pill, but I did not express to you afterward.

I am willing to take another chance with you and I hope you feel the same way. I do feel deeply as to how I hurt the one (and only one) that I have truly love.

Sarah Barbuscia October 15 at 2:01pm Report

What time are you off today? Do you have plans?

David Albizo October 15 at 2:08pm

I am free until 9:45 tonight.

David Albizo October 15 at 2:08pm

Sorry, off around 5:30 or 6:00 tonight….

Sarah Barbuscia October 15 at 5:00pm Report

meet me in union square when you get off

Sent via Facebook Mobile

Sarah Barbuscia October 15 at 5:18pm Report

skip that there is a big protest in union square’ meet me at the starbucks on powell and ofarrell

Sent via Facebook Mobile

David Albizo October 15 at 5:49pm

You got it. Head out now and will be there in about 10 mins.

Make A Run For The Border

dalbizo — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 09:39:23 +0000

Late night and it will be only a few more hours until I get to greet this day again.

Happy Anniversary, Sarah Ann

dalbizo — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 08:00:06 +0000

Gold is the sun
as she wonders where he’s gone.
Far away, will they meet again one day?

Future.
Future.
Future.

Gold is the sun
as she wonders where he’s gone.
Far away, will they meet again one day?
Will they meet again one day?
Will they meet again one day?
Will they meet again one day?
Will they meet again one day?

Will they meet again one day?
Will they meet again one day?

Future.
It’s the a time to think.
Future.
It’s a time to think.
Future.
It’s a time to think about the past.

Will they meet again one day?
Will they meet?

Will they meet again one day?
Will they meet again one day?
Will they meet again one day?
Will they meet again one day?
Will they meet again one day?
Will they meet again one day?

9 months and counting

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 2:48 PM

From:

This sender is DomainKeys verified

“Sarah Barbuscia”

View contact details

To:

“David Albizo”

Hi Love-

So officially I am procrastinating and I found this email exchange of ours from the early days of our relationship. Its amazing to me how an email can capture so many intense feelings and I have to admit that it has always been easier for me to express myself to you in this format. I love you more today then I did when I wrote this and I find myself amazed that I finally know what love is. I have never been in a relationship where I can say at the nine month mark that I still was in love with the person. What that suggests to me is that I was in infatuation or whatever else but it wasn’t love until you.

When I wrote this I knew that this was a completely different experience but I think that it takes really seeing someone, in the good and bad, to be able to say that your life is better because your love is in it. It takes the bumps of the road and the little annoyances to understand that the relationship can withstand the big bumps and hazzards that life will undoubtably throw your way. I feel that way about us and I feel better knowing that you are on my side.

Thank you for being wonderful you.

love s.

—– Forwarded Message —-
From: David Albizo <dalbizo@yahoo.com>
To: Sarah Barbuscia <sarahb77777@yahoo.com>
Sent: Sunday, August 6, 2006 7:14:19 PM
Subject: Re: My blog for your eyes only

You have officially crossed the line of opening up your heart and soul to be exposed by another. That is a tremendous feeling and I am truly fortunate to both receive it and give it with you.

There has always been that reservation in me that I will never find someone who really meets all of my expectations. I have settled in the past and have done so up until recently. It wasn’t until my last relationship ended, and I really didn’t even trouble me, that I had finally reached that pinnacle of what I truly wanted out of a woman. Looking back on everything now, it is rather funny that things did not work out according to my plan. Should I call it divine intervention or just life? I would like to think that it may have been a little bit of both.

I love movies that were set in the 40s through the 60s. To me, they represent a more innocent time. I have always been a hopeless romantic, who deep down believed that I would find true love (someday). I have seen my sister persevere through a tough romantic phase of her life, only to find the man of her dreams.

I guess in looking back at my relationships recently they have realized that I have not been completely focused on the relationship. I have probably showed a matter of indifference. You have really strengthened my belief in love, simply by the fact that you have been honest with me. I feel loved by you in the purest form possible and, in turn, I reciprocate that to you.

I can see myself growing old with you. I can see the two of us just enjoying life together and that is what makes me the happiest. I love the fact that I can express a thought and you are right there on the same page.

I did not want to let you go when we were in San Francisco for the concert and after the day we had spent together. When I first saw you walking down the street and we met for the first time, something just clicked. I experience this feeling over and over again, either when I talking with you on the phone or we see one another. That Saturday night outside the BART station made me realize that I never want to let you go. Be it kisses or just looking into each others eyes, there is a connection that I have never felt with someone like I have with you. You have restored my belief in love, and for that I truly thank you. I love you, Sarah Ann.

Love,

David George

Sarah Barbuscia wrote:

D.G. -

Well I have officially crossed the mushy line by sharing this blog I wrote with you. I will now promptly go to sleep with the thoughts of you in my mind and wishes for Sunday morning kisses. I love you ~

S.

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose…you’re everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won’t let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you’re all I want, You’re all I need
You’re everything,everything
You’re all I want your all I need
You’re everything, everything.
You’re all I want you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want you’re all I need, you’re everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Stars and Constellations
Current mood: Loved
Category: Romance and Relationships

I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever.

-Amy Tan

Falling…interestingly enough I have fought falling for so long that finally the feeling of succumbing to the fall for the right person is incredible. Something that I have never explained before that might help you to understand why I expressed so many concerns early on about your hurting me comes from the original chains that I kept around my heart. I was a direct eyewitness and confidant to my father’s pain when my mother left him. While I recognize now as a parent that this behavior was particularly selfish of him it resulted in a vow at a very tender age that I would never allow anyone close enough to drive me to that type of pain. Everyone carries wounds from their childhood but this particular one had the unique ability of keeping me from even considering that a soul mate might exist for me. The logic went that if I were to keep looking at the men that I knew were obviously wrong for me then I would never risk exposing my tender heart. It was a success and I’m not proud that I broke hearts in the process. I really didn’t consider how deeply this vow had affected me until I started to work out all that seemed wrong in my life and I realized that I felt so isolated from all that was real. When you wrote your blog about your wants – it was this deep echo that I felt come through that enabled me to sense a kindred spirit in you and compelled me to reach out to you. Almost as if I knew what the future of us would be at some instinctive level and I needed to comfort you and let you know that I was there, a star placed within touching distance of another.

Timing is everything and I find myself now considering that perhaps this worked out exactly the way that it was supposed to. I now know that I needed the time to understand the kaleidoscope of shifting visions that represented my life and my loves before I could be open to the possibility of you. Finally the image has stopped moving and there is no need to adjust the picture since I know exactly who I am and what I want now. You are literally everything that I ever wanted in my partner in this life and now that I know you, I want you in your good and bad, the ups and downs, in everything that represents you. I want to keep falling with you every day and to thank you for restoring my faith in fate and soul mates.

Currently listening:
History for Sale
By Blue October
Release date: 05 August, 2003

By the way
By your side I’ll stay
If that’s okay
Then by your side I’ll stay forever
Here I am standing up
Because I want to fall in love with you

A sunless day
It was a clumsy card house rape
If that’s okay
Then by your side I’ll stay forever

Here I am standing up
To say I want to fall in love with you
Forever
Here I am standing up
To say that I want to fall in love

All our kids will play
A sunless day
The rain will come
The rain always brings our hero
All our kids will play
A sunless day
The rain will come
The rain always brings our here

Believe in heroes

Drinking The Poison Again

dalbizo — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:41:32 +0000

Thank you. It was tough and I am glad I studied. It was draining, but I left feeling very satisfied. I loved the look of astonishment on the recruiter’s face, as I scored 3 points higher than him.

Tonight would be dandy. I knew there was a reason I woke up at 1:20 this morning. Someone must have been thinking about me:) I may be staying in San Jose tonight at a hotel at the expense of the Navy. That is if all my paperwork is received today and I am scheduled tomorrow for my physical. I will keep ya in the loop.

Love,

— On Wed, 6/11/08, Sarah Barbuscia wrote:

From: Sarah Barbuscia
Subject: Re: Warning Sign
To: dalbizo@yahoo.com
Date: Wednesday, June 11, 2008, 2:35 AM

Congrats on the test! I’m not surprised at all

Sorry for not calling – unfortunately I left the city a little after 1 and since I don’t know your schedule thought that I would wait to call you until tomorrow night. Let me know if that works for ya.

—– Original Message —-
From: David Albizo
To: Sarah barbuscia
Sent: Tuesday, June 10, 2008 8:29:14 PM
Subject: RE: Warning Sign

You can call me at the shop. The number is 408-737-2915.

I scored an 85 out of a possible 99 on the test today. Next up is the physical.

— On Tue, 6/10/08, Sarah barbuscia wrote:

From: Sarah barbuscia
Subject: RE: Warning Sign
To: dalbizo@yahoo.com
Date: Tuesday, June 10, 2008, 7:30 PM

Well perhaps we should talk. I am out tonight with some friends in the city but would be open to chating later if you will be up. What number are you using now

From: David Albizo
Sent: Monday, June 09, 2008 9:49 PM
To: Sarah Barbuscia
Subject: Re: Warning Sign

Funny thing is that most people, if any, have no idea when I talk about certain music or films. Only one person I know has that ability.

Not necessarily becoming wiser. Just simply having a better understanding and appreciation of life. You have been a good teacher these past couple of years. One thing I love about you is just how you are open when it comes to talking about what you have been through. I have missed just hearing you talk about anything. Just your childhood, work, Bella. Those times meant a lot to me. I still can picture that view from the Berkeley Hills when we just went for a drive and goofed off that night. One thing that I know I have to talk with you about more are those darn past relationships

I have no doubt in my mind that we will both give 100% on a daily basis. I know that we will both strengthen ourselves so that we make this relationship stronger. You are my best friend and I mean that. I want to give all my love to you with no strings attached.

I catch myself just thinking about you. I hear a song and it reminds me of you. I always see that smile or hear that laugh. Having you touch the side of my face and just looking at me with those beautiful eyes. I may have had a dream or two about someone too They were especially realistic when I was wearing those Nicoderm patches when I went to bed (5 weeks now). I love those damn patches at night!

I really just want to talk. Letting me know how you are doing, even when things are not going so good. I appreciate your candor in telling me how you have been feeling these past few months. I know that a certain month is always troublesome for you. I am here for you to bend an ear or just tell me things are going good on a particular day. I am amiable to just going and doing things with you i.e. concerts, record shopping, movies, etc. I really want to go look at paintings. I don’t know why, but I have had an itch to go see an exhibit. And I have heard that Kung Fu Panda is semi-decent.

Bottom line is that you have touched my soul. You are the one and only woman that I have ever imagined spending the rest of my life with. Something really just touched me when I called out your name after we left the movies on our 24-hour date. I felt a sensation that I had never felt before. I don’t know if you remember how I looked at you right after that. I was in awe and that is one time that I have experienced that inner peace.

Love,

— On Mon, 6/9/08, Sarah Barbuscia wrote:

From: Sarah Barbuscia
Subject: Re: Warning Sign
To: dalbizo@yahoo.com
Date: Monday, June 9, 2008, 8:47 PM

Obscure sometimes but then you have a similar ability

When did you become so wise? It’s so good to hear this voice and for the record I am proud of you. Ultimately the best relationships are made from two whole individuals giving 100% and I agree that I think that we will both know when it is time. As terrible as this period is I have to think that the end result will be stronger and better assuming that we don’t rush or get too distracted.

I do dream of you…can you still tell when I am thinking of you or remembering what it was like to be held by you? In a lot of cases it is abstract images but I think the most haunting are those damn freckles on your back and shoulders . You are a hard man to get over and I hope that I never have to

So now that we both agree to take this slow and easy I guess the logical question is what support can I provide as you work on your individual pieces?

Love you!

Sarah

—– Original Message —-
From: David Albizo
To: Sarah Barbuscia
Sent: Sunday, June 8, 2008 12:04:57 PM
Subject: Re: Warning Sign

I will always catch references from you, for the most part. You can go obscure on me every once in a while.

Everything is contingent upon my them finishing up the background check and the test results. Once that is complete, I will meet with an assessor who determines what field is the best fit for me. I would love the legal side, but it is not guaranteed. Assignment to boot camp is based on additional training for your field. I will learn more once I meet with the assessor to determine if there is a need in the particular field and whether active assignment is probable. Navy and Air Force were the only two branches my parents would give their blessings, as there is no possibility of me seeing action. I figure what ever field I get into would be a good start on getting college complete and all the benefits that they offer (even partial for the reserve) are a lot better than the private sector today. No jumping ship under any circumstances as decontamination does not sound like a lot of fun.

I am very proud of you in your career advancement in the past year. You saw an opportunity and have taken full advantage of it. I know you will kick arse in grad school should you decide to go that course.

You are an exceptional mother. You are always there for Bella. Reading to her, attending her activities, and more show me that. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We were raised in a very different generation. One where there was no love shown and things were not communicated openly. You are on the right track. Every day brings an opportunity to grow.

I accepted you for who you are because I can relate to you. We all go through our experiences in life and it does not makes us any less of a person. It is a growing process and some of that growth comes in accepting the past for what it was and letting go. I could walk around with all the anger in the world for the past, but where does that get me? More anger. I have had to really take a look at my part in things and realize that I need to be more open with my feelings. Bottling them up does nothing. You said it best about letting those darkest parts out into the light. For me it has been opening up to people and telling them that I am going through the same feelings of inadequacies, fears, etc. By doing that, I have learned that people have these same feelings as me and may offer some suggestions that help me to overcome these feelings. Letting me know that it will be okay and I do not have to be afraid to show who really am as a person. Not trying to always act like I know and listening as someone may have a good idea.

I see being with no one else but you. I would only be fooling myself to think otherwise. You are so easy to love because you are you. You have made me realize what true love is. It has been a growing process with me and frankly I stopped working on myself. I want this relationship to continue. I just want us to take it easy. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to see you and kiss you all over and continue the David/Sarah story (I like that saying.) We will both know when it will be the right time again. I need to get some balance in my life, so that I am able to have a balance in our relationship. I was at a point where there were so many things going on, yet I really wasn’t moving. I had a wonderful relationship, yet I was not stabilized with work and my personal well-being. I don’t want to go back to who I have been as a person. I want that inner peace that I have experienced. It is taking what I learn and implementing it on a daily basis. For me, it is dealing with the past and living in the moment. I am here for you to provide my love and support.

I love you, Sarah Ann

— On Sun, 6/8/08, Sarah Barbuscia wrote:

From: Sarah Barbuscia
Subject: Re: Warning Sign
To: dalbizo@yahoo.com
Date: Sunday, June 8, 2008, 1:22 AM

I figured you would catch the reference – you always have

I’m proud of you for taking action towards achieving a goal. If anything, that was perhaps one of the hardest things to watch as someone with so much talent and intelligence floundered for lack of direction / purpose. It was something that no one could have done for you and if this is your chosen path please go down it knowing that you have my blessings and support. Any sign when you will be going into boot camp? Any idea what the likelihood is that you will end up on active duty? If you do jump from a ship well use it only in the direst of circumstances – I can’t imagine the decontamination process is fun at all.

As for myself – well on the surface things are progressing well. My promotion officially was in place the end of February and I am now in charge of a 145 person organization. Things have been going well at work and I have received some pretty sweet commendations with a few little bonus perks. Darcy’s opinion is that I am a workaholic which might have some element of truth – its too quiet on the nights that bell isn’t here and frankly I hate being inactive. In addition to work I have begun reconsidering grad school now that I can actually afford tuition again and have been really focusing on Bella. Of everything and everyone I think that she didn’t get the best from me and that isn’t the type of parent I wanted to be.

Deeper down however what I realize is that I have been in a depression since fall of last year at least. My favorite time of year reared it’s ugly head and there are some deep wounds that I had been uncovering. My obsession with the past (mostly others) really was as a direct result of not really addressing some pretty major things that happened to me. Abuse, rape, dysfunctional/abusive relationships one after another were mostly shut down into some dark deep parts that I just never dealt with that started to surface. I have been working through this and have started work with a therapist to make sure that I don’t laugh this stuff off anymore – I have learned that you are not the sum of your past but if not understood then it is bound to be repeated.

Where indeed. Frankly I have never been in love with anyone before you and I truly mean that. I had always denied or hid most of myself – I would become the girlfriend that they wanted versus standing and being myself. You saw more of me then anyone in my life ever has and you accepted me rather then tried to change me which I am grateful for. You will always have my heart and are my one true love.

So where to go from here?? That may be the hardest part as we have so completely tore each other that what is left will take delicate stitching at best to bring this back together. It has been so hard being apart from you but i’m not sure that either of us is at a point that we could jump straight into the pool again. You are working on all of the other puzzle pieces and frankly so am I. My greatest concern would be that we stop doing this important work on ourselves as we get caught back up in the David / Sarah story. It would be really easy to lose ourselves in that (which is what I believed happened before) and find that we end up in worse individual shape then we are now. I don’t know that I can survive another meltdown and the impact to others in our lives – our families and friends – was enough that we should tread lightly regardless. Let me be clear I don’t believe that this is a matter of if we will be in each other’s lives , for me it’s a matter of when.

I love you David George~

—– Original Message —-
From: David Albizo
To: Sarah Barbuscia
Sent: Saturday, June 7, 2008 6:32:25 PM
Subject: Re: Warning Sign

Oh, I got the reference as soon as I read that heading. Trust me

I am at a crossroads right now. I have received the blessings from my dad and mom and am seriously contemplating joining the Naval Reserve. The recruiter has scheduled me for the test on Tuesday. I took the screening test and scored a 72 last week (passing was 36 and most people score in the 30’s). I am hoping to get a gig in their legal field as an enlisted Legalman, with aspirations of becoming an officer and becoming a JAG. That will help in getting a law degree. Yes, I have sat down and decided what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. It is not active duty, so I would have an 8-year commitment that can be reduced of I go on active duty. Funny thing is that boot camp is at Great Lakes, IL. I found that rather ironic. I promise not to jump from any ships

Where do I start this? Where? Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy misses girl. I knew when we met at Muse that you were the “one.” Laughing and playing around that entire concert made me appreciate that. I fell in love with you when we wandered around our city for 24 hours with no agenda. I have never fallen out of love with you and honestly don’t know if I ever will. That is not to sound obsessive or things of that nature. I look at the complete picture when I look at us. It all went too quickly and I think that coming to grips with everything was just that much more intensified when things ended. I made a life plan with you. I just did not know where the rest of the puzzles fit in.

I live in the now, but realize that I have been bouncing around from year to year because I have not clearly defined my life plan. Things have overwhelmed me for the past 14 years after the divorce and I never really addressed a single thing. It is more looking at those pieces of the puzzle individually and working on them individually. It is only then that I am able to complete the puzzle. Hey, that is analogy.

That is where I am at today. I send my love back to you and will always have my arms opened for you.

Love,

— On Sat, 6/7/08, Sarah Barbuscia wrote:

From: Sarah Barbuscia
Subject: Re: Warning Sign
To: dalbizo@yahoo.com
Date: Saturday, June 7, 2008, 11:42 AM

It does make sense and I want you to know that I love you too. I have had to put up a lot of walls but the truth is once I stopped running you were still there and I just missed you. We both still have a lot of growing and work that we need to do and I set no expectations for how this work will be done. I just want to know that you are ok and want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending my love. In case you didn’t catch the reference……..

A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
That I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so

A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
When you were an island to discover
Come on in, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

And the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
I miss you so
And I’m tired
I should not have let you go

So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms

—– Original Message —-
From: David Albizo
To: Sarah Barbuscia
Sent: Saturday, June 7, 2008 1:19:36 AM
Subject: Re: Warning Sign

I needed to be fed from the outside and work on myself. I needed that outside contact with friends and family after I moved in with you.

I stopped growing and it ate me up from inside. I needed your understanding of what I was going through and I was trying to express that to you when we had our conversation that night before I lost it. I just needed time to get back on track.

What happened between us wasn’t meant to be directed at you. We hurt the ones we love the most. I didn’t see your side of the equation and I didn’t believe you saw mine. I don’t blame either one of us. Breaking down these walls we had built up was/is not an overnight process. It takes continual learning on a daily basis. It takes for me having a spiritual contact with God and just being in action, for when I do not have that I am lost. I let everyday life get in the way of that.

We hurt each other. Please understand that what I said and did was not intentional. It was a byproduct of not working on myself like I should have been. It was not doing things outside of the relationship that needed to be done in order to strengthen it. With doing these things and more, I am able to let people in and know me.

I love you, Sarah Ann. That is the bottom line and one thing that I know in my heart of hearts. I never wanted this to end and the rest of our lives together. You were everything that I ever hoped for in a relationship. It has been a miserable experience these past few months in trying to come to terms with everything that has happened. The only thing I can do is to work on myself and live in the moment. I can only do the next right thing.

I hope this all makes sense.

— On Fri, 6/6/08, Sarah Barbuscia wrote:

From: Sarah Barbuscia
Subject: Warning Sign
To: “David Albizo”
Date: Friday, June 6, 2008, 7:44 PM

Let me acknowledge that after our last text exchange that this email may be unwelcome and I would completely understand if you did not respond to this message. This is not sent for any other reason or hope then to perhaps release a demon that has been haunting me and I will hope that you will not mind the intrusion on your state of mind. This year which started off so innocently has been hell and I finally took some time off to rest my heart and head last week. I’m not telling you this to increase any perceived burden but to explain what impetuous has brought me to initiate contact with you when I know the best thing would be for me to fade into your past. I want to apologize to you and take responsibility for my actions with how things ended with us. I don’t know that in hindsight anything could have changed – I had reached a point of pain that made it impossible to think clearly however during my time off I found myself thinking that I could have been more compassionate, more expressive to you about where I was. A real relationship requires that the tough conversations happen and frankly I dodged them for what I thought would result in greater peace. Perhaps if I hadn’t we could have reached a point of honesty early enough to avoid the titanic sized hole that ended things for us. Frankly this may be exactly how things were supposed to be – that we could learn what it was like and learn enough from this experience to be different as a result of being in each others lives. For the record I am better for having known you and I appreciate you for who you are. Take care of yourself and best of luck to you in whatever you do.

~S.

Our Last Conversation

dalbizo — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 11:00:04 +0000

[12:45] dalbizo: Can you chat, Ms. Squirrel?
[12:45] Sarah Barbuscia: For a minute
[12:46] dalbizo: Are you free tonight?
[12:47] Sarah Barbuscia: I’m not sure – i’m trying to pull some stuff together for a meeting tomorrow
[12:47] Sarah Barbuscia: depends on how much I can get out this afternoon
[12:48] Sarah Barbuscia: otherwise I need to work on this tonight
[12:49] dalbizo: So, that sounds like a no.
[12:49] Sarah Barbuscia: Its a i’m not sure
[12:49] Sarah Barbuscia: this just came up
[12:50] Sarah Barbuscia: and it requires some time to get this all together
[12:51] dalbizo: I understand. I sent you an e-mail. I will not have access for the rest of the afternoon. I’ll be at the park at Metreon around six or so. If you are there, you are there.
[12:51] Sarah Barbuscia: Well – chances are 6 won’t happen regardless
[12:52] Sarah Barbuscia: but I understand and perhaps tomorrow?
[12:52] dalbizo: What ever works for Ms. Squirrel
[12:56] Sarah Barbuscia: where are you off to?
[12:57] dalbizo: I am heading over to Bernal Heights area with Free Meals Program Manager as there is a Seniors conference next week that Glide is a part of. This is a planning meeting that he wants me to attend with him.
[12:58] dalbizo: We are in the process of bringing back a Senior Social Hour so they have some place to go after they eat.
[12:58] Sarah Barbuscia: so what are you doing with Glide in addition?
[12:59] dalbizo: All kinds of fun stuff: Trying to convince the higher ups to get the Glide Ensemble on iTunes, painting rooms, expediting food, washing dishes, helping with security, doing VHS to DVD conversions, and anything else I know how to do.
[13:00] Sarah Barbuscia: Where are you living these days?
[13:02] dalbizo: A shelter, but probably going to be kicked out for not attending classes for GA.
[13:02] Sarah Barbuscia: what is GA?
[13:03] dalbizo: General Assistance, being on the dole. Unemployment rejected me as I have not made enough money.
[13:04] Sarah Barbuscia: which is why your not attending class?
[13:05] dalbizo: I am just tired of everything, Sarah Ann. I am just get tired.
[13:06] Sarah Barbuscia: what do you want? if you could say what the next month, 6 months, year looked like if you could make it whatever you wanted
[13:08] dalbizo: A job, a place to live, and a life once again. I am just tired of this whole situation. The work is just not there right now and I really do not think I am cut out to go back into the office. I enjoy it here but they are under budget constraints here, which is really a shame as there has been a noticeable increase of people streaming through the doors.
[13:10] Sarah Barbuscia: what sort of job if you’re not going to the office – what do you want to do?
[13:13] dalbizo: I want to work with people, people on the edge and would also love to host some audio and video podcasts here as there a lot of good stories to cover.
[13:16] Sarah Barbuscia: do you like living in the city?
[13:16] dalbizo: Not without you.
[13:17] Sarah Barbuscia: you’ve lived without me longer then you lived with me
[13:19] dalbizo: That was before I met you, Sarah Ann. It is not the same any more. I remember a conversation we had where you asked if I would move to the city without you. I told you I wouldn’t do it. I still feel that way.
[13:19] Sarah Barbuscia: I meant that you have lived in the city longer then you lived with me
[13:20] dalbizo: Not by choice.
[13:22] Sarah Barbuscia: do you realize how much we fought?
[13:23] Sarah Barbuscia: i’ve been looking back at both the good and the bad and we started fighting at the 6 week mark
[13:26] dalbizo: I do realize that we fought. I do not want that any longer. I refuse to live that way any longer. We were both going through some difficult times (your separation from Dan, your dad and mom; me not working with others) and we are both people who need to communicate with one another otherwise we accomplish nothing. I actually feared talking about deep dark secrets with you because I wanted to remain strong and be there for you. It built up in both of us and I know that we have both learned our lessons as look where it got us.
[13:26] dalbizo: You were the one woman has meant anything to me.
[13:29] dalbizo: I fought and fought with past relationships about opening up and eventually they ended. I did the same thing with you and it is the biggest regret that I have is that I did not. You know a lot about me and vice versa, but I know I held back on my past relationships tooth and nail, not thinking that it really meant anything.
[13:29] Sarah Barbuscia: I didn’t care about the past relationships as much as I cared about you
[13:29] Sarah Barbuscia: I wanted to understand you
[13:29] dalbizo: Looking back, there should have been nothing to hide from you when it came to those relationships.
[13:30] dalbizo: I know you did and I truly am sorry about that.
[13:30] dalbizo: I don’t want to hide behind a mask with you. I just want you to know all of me and that is why I am torn up inside.
[13:31] Sarah Barbuscia: why did you contact me again?
[13:32] dalbizo: Because I can not live without you. I miss us. I want us back.
[13:32] Sarah Barbuscia: why now?
[13:33] Sarah Barbuscia: after all the crap you did to me just a few months ago why is now different?
[13:35] dalbizo: Because I am tired of fighting with someone that I love. I just want you back, Sarah Ann.
[13:36] Sarah Barbuscia: i’m tired of the suicide threats
[13:37] Sarah Barbuscia: the random emails, text messages
[13:37] Sarah Barbuscia: its a crappy thing to do to someone you love
[13:38] dalbizo: I feel like shit right now and I just want to make this all right. I do love you, Sarah Ann, I really do. I can’t live like this any longer.
[13:39] Sarah Barbuscia: live like what?
[13:39] Sarah Barbuscia: I’m not responsible for your life
[13:40] dalbizo: Life as it exists right now. I hate being apart from you. I am not saying you are responsible for my life. I am saying that I am not feeling this, I am making an effort to talk with you and make all this right.
[13:41] Sarah Barbuscia: i’ve moved on with my life
[13:42] Sarah Barbuscia: i’m not the same person anymore
[13:42] dalbizo: So is that where we are leaving it?
[13:42] dalbizo: You are still the woman I fell in love with.
[13:42] Sarah Barbuscia: If you had wanted to make amends with the people in my life, with me, you would have done it
[13:43] Sarah Barbuscia: you never made any attempt to right those wrongs
[13:43] Sarah Barbuscia: you never made the wrongs to me right
[13:43] dalbizo: I offered to do that in June and you told me to hold off. I am not making any contact without your approval.
[13:44] dalbizo: And we were working on making amends to one another as well last June.
[13:45] Sarah Barbuscia: what about the man you have been since June?
[13:46] dalbizo: I am willing to sit down with you and anyone else to make those amends as I indicated earlier.
[13:46] Sarah Barbuscia: Did you ever reach out to Derek?
[13:46] dalbizo: I did and he did not respond.
[13:47] Sarah Barbuscia: thank you.
[13:47] Sarah Barbuscia: for the record he won’t talk to me anymore
[13:47] Sarah Barbuscia: so you should be happy with that
[13:48] dalbizo: I am not happy with that. I would have been happy if you would have been honest with me to begin with. That is what really hurt is that I did not realize that you sent pictures to him and vice versa.
[13:49] dalbizo:
[13:49] dalbizo: From Facebook…
[13:49] Sarah Barbuscia: That was before we got together
[13:50] Sarah Barbuscia: and you knew that there had been something there before and it had ended
[13:50] Sarah Barbuscia: I had been honest
[13:50] dalbizo: Sarah, you said you were friends and that he pursued you. You did not say you reciprocated.
[13:51] Sarah Barbuscia: What about your dishonesty?:
[13:51] dalbizo: How so?
[13:51] Sarah Barbuscia: 30K in back child support
[13:51] Sarah Barbuscia: was really something like 90K>
[13:51] Sarah Barbuscia: seems kinda important
[13:52] dalbizo: I am willing to offer to make amends to your friends and family. Is that something you are willing to consider. The child support had nothing to do with you and I told you I have a lot of bills from the divorce as well as past support.
[13:53] Sarah Barbuscia: the problem wasn’t the money
[13:53] Sarah Barbuscia: you lied to my face
[13:53] dalbizo: How?
[13:53] Sarah Barbuscia: you told me you owed 30K
[13:53] Sarah Barbuscia: I found out after the fact that it was 90
[13:54] dalbizo: That is the last amount I had. Do you have something different? Honestly, I have not looked at it in quite a while as it only depresses me more.
[13:54] Sarah Barbuscia: seriously?
[13:56] Sarah Barbuscia: are you telling me you honestly don’t know that?>
[13:56] dalbizo: Yes, it is one of the many things that has brought me down. That is why I tried to be honest with you that night and try to tell you everything that I was feeling. You do not know how hard it is.
[13:57] Sarah Barbuscia: I believe you
[13:57] Sarah Barbuscia: and i’m sorry for calling you a liar
[13:57] Sarah Barbuscia: look
[13:57] Sarah Barbuscia: I have to go
[13:57] dalbizo: With moving to Dublin I lost that connection with people who were helping me to get my life back in order with working the steps. This is what I am trying to point to in what caused me to close down.
[13:58] Sarah Barbuscia: I understand that
[13:58] Sarah Barbuscia: I have to think
[14:00] dalbizo: This is what I have been trying to explain to you all along that it was not you and that I was sorry that I shut you out. I am so in love with you, Sarah Ann, and I hate what I did to you. I do not want this to happen to us again and I only want another chance to try this again. Both of us a little wiser and a little more open with one another to make this work.
[14:00] Sarah Barbuscia: You are asking a lot
[14:01] dalbizo: I know I am, I really do. You are my heart and soul, Sarah Ann. I truly loved being with you. I want us back.
[14:02] Sarah Barbuscia: I understand that this is good for you
[14:02] Sarah Barbuscia: what I don’t know
[14:02] Sarah Barbuscia: is if you are good for me
[14:02] Sarah Barbuscia: the worst I have ever felt in my life was when I was with you
[14:02] Sarah Barbuscia: and we were supposed to be in love
[14:03] dalbizo: David George is good for Sarah Ann.
[14:03] dalbizo: Do you still love David George?
[14:03] dalbizo: And did you feel the best you ever felt in life?
[14:04] Sarah Barbuscia: not to be cliche I love you not so sure if I am in love with you
[14:04] dalbizo: You want to stop by tomorrow to chat some more?
[14:05] Sarah Barbuscia: I need to think
[14:05] dalbizo: Think, Ms. Squirrel. Let me know in the morning?
[14:05] Sarah Barbuscia: ok
[14:06] dalbizo: Sounds good. Talk to you later…
[14:06] dalbizo: I do <3 Sarah Ann!David

An Open Letter To Sarah Ann

dalbizo — Wed, 20 May 2009 15:18:49 +0000

Dear Sarah Ann,

I knew the end had come when I was watching Radiohead without you, as well as Shiny Toy Guns. I am glad the final days are here, as I can not stand a life like this. This is the most recent Radiohead song that I have listened to over and over. I am sure that you are familiar with it. The lyrics go something like this:

When I’m at the pearly gates
This will be on my videotape, my videotape
Mephistopheles is just beneath
and he’s reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
and i have it all here
In red, blue, green
Red, blue, green

You are my center
When i spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape
On videotape
On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can’t do it face to face
I’m talking to you after it’s too late
From my videotape

No matter what happens now
You shouldn’t be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I’ve ever seen.

I wander around here without you and life just does not seem right any longer. I always enjoyed our adventures, because I felt like you loved me for who I am and not wanting me to be someone else. I loved how you threw your many compliments my way. I thought I did and said enough so that you felt the same. I guess I was wrong. You were the only one I truly loved on all levels. All. I never second-guessed our love for a minute and only wish I had heeded the warning signs a little more. I honestly thought we could overcome any obstacles that life threw at us as love conquers all. Please don’t think that my nonchalant attitude meant that I didn’t care. I simply hated to overcomplicate life. I simply tried to take each day as it came. I only knew that no matter where I was (five, twenty, forty years) I only wanted to be with you. My only regret was not working on myself so that I could become a better person. Being away from you at first only made me realize that I needed to take those steps. Losing you again only made me lose my focus. You meant the world to me. You simply were my best friend.

I simply want you to know that I love you and am sorry to everyone for the hurt I am about to cause my friends and family. I love everyone, life as I know it is over for me. I loved and lost and simply have given up. I had the love of my life and know that any other relationship would be a farce. I hope everyone understands how it has come to this.

I want no funeral. I simply want to be cremated and have my ashes spread over our waterfall.

The most apropos song is this one by Blue October:

How am I supposed to breathe?
I try to relax. I touch your still frame
So I can watch you closer
And study the ways I believe I belong to you… to you
so i.. I scratch at your waist line… your doll hair
I dig up the thought of how your eyes glow
So I make you my religion, my collision, my escape goat
So have I found your secret weak spot, baby?

[Chorus]
Can you pretend I’m amazing?
I can pretend I’m amazing…
Instead of what we both know x2
I cut to the punch line baby
Can we pretend I’m amazing
Instead of what we both know

and now our history is for sale
And for that I apologize
You see you’re my only know how
The study of when I believed I belonged to you.. to you
You see I’ve made you into something more delicious,
My sweet ghost
So have I found your secret weak spot, baby?

[Chorus]

Love always,

David George

Why?

dalbizo — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:34:38 +0000

You came into my life so quickly and left just as quickly. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.

You made me smile, now you make me cry. You made me believe that life was worth living. You just made me believe.

I could go to the farthest reaches of earth and you would still find me, for you haunt my dreams and memories. I fear sleep now, as much as I fear being awake. What song or conversation will I hear today that will make me think of a specific moment in time that we shared together?

This just is not fair; I thought you would forgive and forget. Little did I know that you were not the person I thought you to be. I guess I raised the bar too high. I guess I always believed you when you said no matter what. Another reason not to trust another human being. How foolish I was to believe that you were an exception to the rule. Shame on me for allowing you to drag me down once again. How foolish of me to believe that someone loved me unconditionally.

Thanks for bringing me down, with postings like this:

Don’t need a boyfriend
Not one like him
Don’t wanna be the foolish girl I was
And end up worse again
You can say it’s from me
I’ll be keeping away
Don’t wanna be the same foolish girl again

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, it just wasn’t.

I Miss You

dalbizo — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:33:51 +0000

I have an overwhelming desire to call you just to chat; I can’t.

I have an overwhelming desire to listen to some of our favorite music together; I can’t.

I have an overwhelming desire to just drive around listening to your stories you always told so eloquently; I can’t.

You’re gone and I really miss you this morning. Damn you.

Peeling Away The Onion

dalbizo — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 00:28:27 +0000

My response earlier today to an e-mail I received earlier today:

“Yeah, I specifically remember listening to that album (referencing The Cure’s Head On The Door) on a trip I made for a business club that I was in in high school (That was DECA for you kids from VHS). We stayed near Disneyland for this conference. I swear that that was the only cassette tape that I had during that weekend. High school was and still is a mixed bag of emotions. I got along great with my friends during my first two years. We drank and got high all the time. I then graduated into cocaine and meth. I first got clean and sober when I was 15. After I got out of rehab, things really changed. My friends were partying and I just stayed away from them. I had a couple of friends that were in the program so we would hit meetings together. My dad was sober for a couple of years at that time so we would hit weekend AA meetings together. This is a time where I really just needed or more specifically relied on my music to get me through periods of being alone. Looking back on it now, I can see where I went from being a little social to being more withdrawn. It was also a time where I was picked on by one guy and that pretty much lasted until my Senior year of high school when I got my car and just did my thing with one of my buddies. WTF? That is, I think, the most I have opened up and honestly analyzed that particular time in my life. A lot of the people on FB are people that I knew growing up in one way or another. I lived in the same town (Vista, CA) for 16 years. It was a small town of about 35,000, so everyone pretty much knew everyone else.”

I had a realization towards the end of that paragraph that I have never really talked about experiences from high school in depth with anyone but my closest friends (and those that witnessed me being taped to a street sign pole after we got off the bus one day). I can not say that my experiences throughout high school were horrible and I wanted to kill everyone. There were people that I got along with and knew in high school. I just felt very alone. I did not reach out to anyone but my closest friends.

It is still hard for me to believe that one of my closest friends from high school committed suicide. Dead…gone. This was one person that made life tolerable throughout high school because he could make me laugh.

I love to laugh. I love hearing funny, strange stories about life. I spend my time around people who have a twisted thoughts and that is okay with me. I do not want a cookie-cutter life. I want to laugh, I want you all to entertain me, so make me laugh now people Honestly, I just love it when my friends and I take a normal conversation and just take it where ever it goes. I am not talking about potty humor or stuff like that.

I believe that today and at other points in my life that I have been attracted to these type of people. They have made life bearable. Even in my darkest hours, I know that there are friends to guide me through. I just have to believe in them, as well as myself.

You Know I Love You

dalbizo — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 01:53:51 +0000

It pains me to see you in the condition and present state of mind you are currently in. I know that I can only offer to help you and that I am there for you if you need me. I just wish there was some way that you could stop doing what you are doing to your body. I have lost too many friends this way and I don’t want to reminisce about you when we can still build memories to last a lifetime.

I will pray for you tonight, hoping that you make it through the night and realize when you wake up in the morning that you no longer wish to live in your present state of being. No matter what you choose to decide to do, just know that I will be there to bug you and once again offer my unconditional love and support. That is what friends are supposed to do, right?